[it's a successful movement - drawing olivine to lean in even closer like a flower seeking sunlight to thrive. maybe that's what will happen if he succumbs to the magnetism that kuya seems to have over him: he'll release the things he's buried deep for so long and learn what it feels like to thrive and live unencumbered and unburdened with guilt or shame. wouldn't that be lovely? he knows it must appear impossibly naive to just offer himself like some sacrificial lamb, to have shown enough of himself to let kuya hook and reel him in...but it's that same uncertainty spiral into the unknown that thrills olivine the core no matter how tense or nervous he might seem right now. he's exactly where he wants to be - well, almost. but he suspects by the end of it he'll get there all the same.
olivine finds himself with a steaming cup of tea pressed into his hands, a heavenly aroma wafting upward mixed with whatever the earthy substance is in the jar near kuya's pipe. maybe he should ask what any of it is first, but it's a kindness and a generous offering that he blows lightly on before taking a hot sip of tea and hoping it will soothe his nerves. it's a great gift he's being offered if he could look past that same humanity kuya is thinking of - indeed, a web of guilt and the expectations of his duty heavy on his shoulders.
silence hangs between them for a moment longer than is strictly comfortable while olivine tries to gather his thoughts and answer him truthfully - to pick up on that hint of good harm kuya is so graciously dangling before him.]
I...
[he licks his lips, swallowing thickly around a sudden dryness in his throat before taking another sip of his tea. maybe if he pretends it's filled with the sweetness of a truth serum he could do this more easily. when he was about his brother's age, there's a very vivid memory that feels a lot like this moment. olivine remembers standing at the edge of what felt like infinity - a tall, rocky edge looming over the beautiful lake that shone brilliantly under the beating sun. he remembers the way his toes wiggled at the jagged end of solid ground, testing what it might feel like to take a plunge off the edge and dive headfirst into that gorgeous abyss. it took a great deal to pluck up the courage, but eventually he did just that - laughing and splashing in the water after feeling so brave at conquering the fear of the unknown. years later he realized it wasn't quite as high as his memory made this cliff, but the sense of accomplishment and fond smile it still brings to his lips in passing is forever.
sitting here, about to confess his deepest desires...this is like standing on that precipice all over again and not knowing if he'll make it into the inviting expanse below.
what does he want? what does he think about?]
I want...to endure whatever comes with it. I want to feel powerless of my own choosing. I - there are things I haven't even told Eiden about what I want.
[he doesn't think eiden would turn him away, but everything is still so new and it's...a lot pent up to unleash on someone.]
I think I want it to hurt. I want to stop locking away the fear of shame or humiliation for something everyone else is allowed to want, something that I shouldn't...only because what was chosen for me prevents it.
[he swallows hard again, glancing away and taking a shaky breath.]
no subject
olivine finds himself with a steaming cup of tea pressed into his hands, a heavenly aroma wafting upward mixed with whatever the earthy substance is in the jar near kuya's pipe. maybe he should ask what any of it is first, but it's a kindness and a generous offering that he blows lightly on before taking a hot sip of tea and hoping it will soothe his nerves. it's a great gift he's being offered if he could look past that same humanity kuya is thinking of - indeed, a web of guilt and the expectations of his duty heavy on his shoulders.
silence hangs between them for a moment longer than is strictly comfortable while olivine tries to gather his thoughts and answer him truthfully - to pick up on that hint of good harm kuya is so graciously dangling before him.]
I...
[he licks his lips, swallowing thickly around a sudden dryness in his throat before taking another sip of his tea. maybe if he pretends it's filled with the sweetness of a truth serum he could do this more easily. when he was about his brother's age, there's a very vivid memory that feels a lot like this moment. olivine remembers standing at the edge of what felt like infinity - a tall, rocky edge looming over the beautiful lake that shone brilliantly under the beating sun. he remembers the way his toes wiggled at the jagged end of solid ground, testing what it might feel like to take a plunge off the edge and dive headfirst into that gorgeous abyss. it took a great deal to pluck up the courage, but eventually he did just that - laughing and splashing in the water after feeling so brave at conquering the fear of the unknown. years later he realized it wasn't quite as high as his memory made this cliff, but the sense of accomplishment and fond smile it still brings to his lips in passing is forever.
sitting here, about to confess his deepest desires...this is like standing on that precipice all over again and not knowing if he'll make it into the inviting expanse below.
what does he want? what does he think about?]
I want...to endure whatever comes with it. I want to feel powerless of my own choosing. I - there are things I haven't even told Eiden about what I want.
[he doesn't think eiden would turn him away, but everything is still so new and it's...a lot pent up to unleash on someone.]
I think I want it to hurt. I want to stop locking away the fear of shame or humiliation for something everyone else is allowed to want, something that I shouldn't...only because what was chosen for me prevents it.
[he swallows hard again, glancing away and taking a shaky breath.]
Is there anything else you'd like to know?